She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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