WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
