On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
