i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
