Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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