Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
