so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
