seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Randomize
