I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
