I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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