We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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