if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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