I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
