My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
