Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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