The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
