LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
