I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
