I'm going to jail i love you
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
