i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
