My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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