im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
