My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
