I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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