i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
