I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
