i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I touched a dick in church today
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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