Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We're too hungover to prance.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
