I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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