too bad you live with your parents still
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
