i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
