im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
