I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
