i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
