i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
