Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
