News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
