I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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