oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
