Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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