Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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