I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
