So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
