The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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