If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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