I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Randomize
