guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
