omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
