A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
