I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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